All of us have had it happen. A normal day, going about our usual business when, like an ambush, someone unloads on us with no filter, no perspective, and no mercy.
In many cases, the recipient did nothing to deserve harsh treatment other than walk by while looking like a promising target, but even when there is a legitimate complaint, the delivery method is completely inappropriate overkill.
Destructive criticism doesn’t always have to be so dramatic, mind you. It may be an email, it may be a few pointed words, and it may even be some subtle generalities about being useless, frustrating, or dense.
The common theme of all such criticism is that, afterwards, the recipient of the destruction is going to be angry, confused, hurt, or all of the above. Usually, onlookers or co-recipients will be wide-eyed and slack-jawed in recognition of the inappropriateness of it all.
Don’t Take the Personal Stuff Personally
While you may be impossibly frustrating, just asking for someone to tell you off at every turn, that’s probably not really what’s going on. Even if that is the case, there is no excuse for verbal abuse when an adult conversation is always an option.
What’s far more likely is that you ran into the human equivalent of this guy:
They were going to pop at some point or another, it was just a question of who turned the crank.
Regardless of the circumstances, reasonable people don’t cross the line without apologizing later. When someone is a jerk, when they yell, when they say something destructive and hurtful–that is an indication that they are not reasonable: they’ve done it before and will do it again.
So next time someone tries to destroy you with criticism, think of it as an unlucky encounter with an impersonal event like catching the stop light, having your flight delayed, or having your cable go down.
Because with destructive criticism, like with those annoyances, it’s not your fault and you’re not the only one it’s happening to.
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4 responses so far ↓
1 Melanie // Jun 3, 2008 at 3:48 pm
This is good advice for me to read. I tend to take things very personally, and it’s hard for me to know how to react when a co-worker treats me like a child. It’s hard for me not to react like one! Crying in front of your peers still isn’t fun!
It helps to remember it’s more a reflection of them than of me.
2 Carl // Jun 3, 2008 at 3:51 pm
“…even when there is a legitimate complaint, the delivery method is completely inappropriate overkill.”
I like that part. But how do you separate the legitimate from the unacceptable when the person delivering the tirade is your superior and must be appeased?
3 skeleton dog tshirts // Jun 5, 2008 at 10:21 am
Dude. I actually used this jack-in-the-box analogy to counsel a friend last weekend. so true.
4 documenter // Nov 22, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Carl, you document the incident, file a grievance with H/ER superior, and if you think they’re trying to fire you or you feel really uncomfortable, mention that you talked to your lawyer.
In other words, get h/er fired, or find another job. You won’t be able to function properly in the environment anyway with the box going off like that, would you? Shouldn’t h/er superior know about the environment s/he’s creating and how that environment is detrimental to everyone’s bottom line?
File a grievance, document everything as best you can.
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