I Hate Your Job

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

These are too funny not to post. Your responses to my call for stories of stupidity went above and beyond, so I’m going to publish them all. Without further ado, I present stories from my readers about the idiotic, hilarious utterances from work. Finalists announced later this week.

Surely That’s Not What You Meant to Say

By Melanie:
“Well, I have ADD, so I can’t really be expected to know what’s appropriate and what’s inappropriate.”

Self-Important, Anyone?

By Tom:
I work at a small company, 3 f/t, 2 p/t.

We had an intern in as usual, and my boss was getting the intern to set-up the network. He had changed something that she got excited about, and she said “I want this change across the entire enterprise!”

Just. Stop. Talking.

By Jason:
We were in a full staff meeting with three representatives from a Microsoft talking about a national partnership we want to work towards.

At one point, one of the reps said that they want to “drive for success”. Suddenly, one of my colleagues chimed in,

“Did you say ’success’ or ’six-ess’?”

This went back and forth with the Microsoft rep saying, “what?” and our coworker asking the same question while the rest of us, boss included, were struck dumb and trying not to lynch him for trying to correct our guest’s pronunciation.

Eventually he explained that at his other job, they use a computer system named “6S” to integrate all their systems. So all was eventually resolved.

But really…if Microsoft wanted to use a computer program to manage their systems…I’m pretty sure they would make their own!!!

On an unrelated note, we have a running tally in our office for busting out “That’s what she said”. The other “The Office” fan and I are the two leaders, for obvious reasons.

Insert Foot In Mouth

By The Colonel:
We had just gotten back from taking 5 in a long meeting we were having and the discussion for some reason turned to comparing our services to that of purchasing a car.

The conversation was turned towards leasing a car to which the owner of our company replied

“Leasing a car is for poor and stupid people that don’t know any better”

Since we had just gotten back from taking 5 the conference room door was still open and the receptionist’s desk is right outside this room. As he was saying this he realized that she had just leased a car and he spent the next 5 minutes trying to back pedal… “well, it’s just that a lot of people get into deals that aren’t right for them… or they get more car than they can afford…”

Lessons In Management

By Heather the Graphic Designer:
We were in our weekly marketing status meeting, when the the Director of HR & Marketing tells me, “Ya know, I don’t know what it is. I just don’t seem to like anything you do.”

He then told me that I shouldn’t take it personally and that he meant it in a way that he was agreeing with me.

Really? Because I was just telling you about the progress I have been making.

Hmm…

I Heart This One

By Simone:
Oh, there should be a whole separate topic for HR.

Let’s see, it’s so hard to choose. I’ll start with one from a partner of ours, when presenting us with the new person who’d be working our account. “She’s Phi-Beta Supersmart.” They also “heart” a lot of things. We loathe them.

Then there was the exec who patiently explained that we have to “try to understand his immense vision.”

At a previous job, our CEO (who looked exactly like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons–coincidence?) once told me, “Don’t get me wrong, you’re a very valuable cog in our organization.”

PHEW. And here I was feeling unappreciated.

Watch What You Say

By DayJobNuker:
My wife just got approached by a manager in another department. It seems that “someone” was offended by something she said.

She was in a meeting with a group of people and before the meeting started they were talking. There was a Hawaiian guy there who commented that he had gotten sunburned over the weekend.

My wife is a very curious person and had been under the impression that dark skinned people either don’t burn or don’t burn as easily. She made the mistake of commenting/asking that question that she thought people with darker skin didn’t burn.

Well, it seems someone in the group (not the Hawaiian guy) had gone to their manager and said that her remark had made them feel “uncomfortable”. Absolutely pathetic I say.

Dress For Success

By Rosie:
I work for a company that hosts job fairs and at one particular job fair, the phrase below wasn’t said but it was written on one jobseeker’s T-shirt…. which I think (if he ever gets hired) will make him a great candidate for someone who probably also SAYS stupid things at the workplace.

“Looks like someone ate a bowl of stupid this morning”

Great way to get a recruiter to want to hire ya, buddy!

Make Sure You Read #4

By SoftwareMack:
I think I could write a book on this -

1) I was working in an engineering department next to a recently hired engineer, we will call him Bob. He was leaning against his desk doing nothing when an older man walked into the room. This older man looked at Bob and said
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing”
“When are you going to do something?”
“When I get a better job.”
The VP of sales turned and left the room. Bob wasn’t employed for much longer.

2) We got a note sent to “All Employees” that went something like this:

The lock on our front door is going to be replaced tomorrow. The contractor will be working on the door early in the morning. Please use the rear entrance tomorrow. We are sorry for any incontinence this may cause you.

3) At a software development meeting our manager demanded to know why we were behind schedule. When told there were more bugs than we had expected and it was taking time to fix them, he quite seriously replied:
“I want a list of all of the bugs we have not found yet on my desk by tomorrow morning!”

4) I was working for a major software company around 1993. At our department meeting held in our managers office, our manager was asking for some help. He had been our manager for about 7 months. He said, “I wish I had a tool that would let me review the company policy manuals on line. We keep getting these updated pages and I have to go through all of the manuals and swap out the pages, then I have to sign that I have re-read them every year. Does anyone know of a way to do this on line?” One of the developers said, “Sure, let me show you.” He went to the managers computer and in about 2 minutes had the company manuals up on his screen. “This is fantastic!” said our manager. “What tool did you use to do this?” And the developer said - “The one that our department makes. This is what we do in this department.”

Space Cadets

By Rebecca:
Me: “Could you please close your blinds at night when you leave?”
Mandy: “No, I’d like to keep them open to give sunlight for my plant.”
Me: “There’s no light at night, Mandy”
Mandy: “Ohh.”

My old co-worker would say EVERY DAY when we saw each other:

“Oh, you’re here?”
Yes, I work here too. Thanks.

When You Assume…

By Michael:
I worked as a recruiter for an IT staffing company, and I heard one of my fellow recruiters, Chip, on the phone with a potential candidate. Here is what all of us in the room heard:

“Hey, is this Sarah Brown?”

“Oh, it is Sarah Jones now… well congratulations!”

“Oh, I am sooo sorry.””

Of course, all of us listening immediately caught on to the fact that Chip’s candidate must have just gotten divorced and cracked up. But apparently she followed with, “Don’t be sorry, I’m happy about it,” to which Chip responded:

“Well, congratulations on your divorce!”

Devil’s In the Details

By Fernie:
1. I worked at a retail store and the credit card machines were down company-wide/country-wide - so a fax came out from corporate hq alerting us to manually record sales charges. The fax ended with “Sorry for the incontinence”

Very much the same as SoftwareMack’s post. I think “inconvenience” spell checked in MS Word comes out much differently.

2. I once worked in the online division of a record label, and a well known adult contemporary musician became seriously ill. The digital marketing person immediately sent out an email blast to the artist’s fan list, and updated the artist’s website stating that the person had passed away.

3. An old coworker of mine, known for two things: For having horrible spelling/grammar in email/docs, and for being a flirt who drank a little bit too much at office parties. Her final email when leaving the company: “I wanted to send you all one last massage…”

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