I Hate Your Job

The appreciation of hold music is an essential skill for success in today’s workplace. It shows an attention to detail and a sensitivity that important people are looking for in their business relationships. In fact, for many CEOs, if you are lucky enough to reach them, the first question they’ll ask is, “Quick, who wrote the music you were just listening to?” You don’t want to get that question wrong.

Here’s how you can be prepared:

• As the old saying goes, “Misery loves hold music.” When you reach a certain level of dull boredom, your brain will begin to delight in the innocuous as a defense mechanism. Patterns in carpet become beautiful, the gel support for your keyboard becomes fascinating, and of course, the specialness of hold music shines through. You may not be able to tell the CEO the name of the composer, but when he picks up on those tears of joy in your voice, he’ll forgive it, and you’ll have won a friend.
• Study up on some of the great composers of hold music. Ignore Mozart and Vivaldi as you won’t be impressing anyone by recognizing them. Focus on the “light jazz”, “musak”, and “midi file” genres. I’d recommend checking with your local university’s music school for any continuing education initiatives on the subject. If you can’t do that, VH1’s behind the music did a special series a few years ago on some of the most prolific figures in those genres.
• Give it a shot yourself. It’s sometimes hard to appreciate great art without firsthand experience of how difficult it is to create it. Purchase an electronic keyboard and leave it by the phone at work or at home. It will be scary at first, but you have to force yourself to say, “Hold please.” Place the receiver by the keyboard and play. When you pick up the phone again, ask, “Are you soothed, lulled, pleased, and prepped to buy something and/or not complain?” You’ll get the feedback you need, and you’ll never again take a masterwork for granted.
• Familiarity is a key component in enjoyment. Call the same company several times and act confused. Make an atypical request of the receptionist such as, “I need to speak to the person there who makes the decisions regarding your fire drill.” While on hold, soak up the music with your eyes closed. Avoid the temptation to make a recording for playback. It’s not the same and your appreciation will seem phony.
• Create lyrics, preferably about the person you are trying to reach. Google can help give you some material. This is effective because most Fortune 500 CEOs do this themselves in the morning before others arrive. Calling the customer service line, they’ll pen ballads to themselves as a way to gather their confidence for the day. When you get through to them, continue to sing some of your lyrics as if you haven’t noticed the music stop. This is a time honored technique for winning the favor of important people.

With these techniques, you’ll discover a new world of inspiration on the phones. Beyond that, though, you’ll discover that others now respect you more and want to do business with you. Other than a nice smile, a keenly refined appreciation for hold music may be the most important weapon in your arsenal.

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