I Hate Your Job

A guest post by Dante Alighieri

In the Fourth Circle, your job is all-consuming. Your time, your thoughts, and your energy are completely tapped by your work.

Your boss regularly tells you that work should be the most important thing in your life. You once suggested God, family, and country as better options, but he just stared at you blankly.

“Son, this is the meaning of life.”

Cell Phone? More Like Hell Phone

The company motto is, “We’re always in crisis mode. Everything must be done right away.” As a result, your boss, your coworkers, and your clients are quite comfortable with calling you frequently and at all hours.

Your phone is constantly ringing, and thanks to your company’s frugality, the only ring option for your phone is an abrasively loud version of Pachelbel’s “Canon in D.” You’ll never enjoy a wedding again.

A vibrate option would have been nice, but alas, it was also too expensive. Therefore, silent mode is your only option when in public.

You’ve decided to refer to silent mode as “assured flurry of voice mails” mode. Failing to notice that the phone is ringing, you often find 20 messages waiting for you at the end of a meal. Of course, these messages are all frantic, urgent, and without any details whatsoever.

In case someone can’t reach you by phone, a map to your home is available on the corporate website. The number of visitors you get in the evening indicates that people are aware of this map and not at all shy about using it.

Must… Fill… Brain…

To ensure adherence to company policy, all employees are required to memorize the entire handbook. You are quizzed at random, often during a surprise visit by your boss to your home.

To assist you in polluting your mind with your company’s jargon, the HR department offers helpful mnemonic devices. Lengthy passages of policy are set to the tune of popular songs.

Now, “Let It Be” makes you think about sexual harassment, “With or Without You” about being fired, and “I Only Have Eyes for You” about non-compete agreements. You’d stop listening to them, but it’s the only way you can memorize 500 words a week.

Your phone ruined wedding music, and memorizing company policy this way should suck the enjoyment out of the rest of music shortly.

Brave New Job

Thanks to your company’s sleep-learning program, you take in facts and figures about your organization all night long.

You don’t retain any of it consciously, but it does cause you to regularly dream about work. You wake up angry every morning. You’re starting to understand why there’s a statue of Aldous Huxley in front of the building…

Other Posts You Might Enjoy:

• The 9 Circles of Job Hell: The First Circle
• The Second Circle of Job Hell: Commute of the Damned
• The Third Circle of Job Hell: Opportunity Ltd.
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